Moving On
by Ashlee1
Summary: Mac writes Harm a letter, informing him about some things that were left unsaid.


Moving On By: Ashlee  
  
Disclaimer: Don't own Harm or Mac, and I suppose I never will.  
  
Author's Note: Okay I wrote this about my feelings for a guy named Greg who I met at school. We were like best friends for a year and a half and there were mutual feelings but because he had a girlfriend, who was living in another state and hadn't been in the same place with him for more than two months at a time, neither one of us made a move on our mutual feelings. Anyway, I ended up moving out of the dorm I was living in because his girlfriend was coming to our school and into my dorm. So, yeah, that's about it. Then, when I came back home I realized just how much he meant to me. Anyway, after writing it I felt it fit Harm and Mac's situation.kinda. So, I put there names where ours were. I didn't send this to him, and I don't think I ever will, but here it is anyway. Started on Saturday, December 07, 2002, at 2:30 am and ended at 3:23:37 am the same day.  
  
Rating: G  
  
Spoilers: None  
  
Summery: Mac writes Harm a letter, informing him about some things that were left unsaid.  
  
Archiving: Please ask  
  
----  
  
There are things that I need to say, things that should have probably been brought to light long before now. I don't know why I never said it, never had the courage to voice the feelings that I had, in reality there was a time when I even refused to acknowledge them at all. But the truth is that I do feel it, the feeling is so strong that it hurts physically and I can't take it anymore. I can't deny what I've felt all along and the fact that you yourself won't admit it, well it only leaves me one choice.  
  
I've been waiting for you to make your move, to tell me what I know you must be feeling. I can see it in your eyes when you look at me, when you laugh, when you smile that smile that I know is just for me. When you were willing to pull the dumbest stunts just for me, to help me or make me smile. I know you felt it and I wanted to wait for you to say it, I'm not really sure why. Maybe I was scared that I was imagining things, wishing it to be true, or maybe I was just afraid that I wasn't good enough for you. I wasn't pretty enough, didn't fit the profile so to speak. Or maybe I was just afraid of getting hurt like I always seem to do, but whatever it was, it made me loose the one opportunity that I regret not taking.  
  
Maybe I waited to long, in fact I know that I did. I missed my chance but not telling you is killing me. I sit at home at night and wonder what would have happened if I had swallowed my pride, if I had spoken up instead of bowing out to any challenge that came up. What if I had taken the chance? What if I had told you? What if I had fought for what was mine to begin with? But instead I took the cowards way out, I just left it alone, said that I was fine with it instead of standing up and doing something about it. So now I'm sitting here writing this letter that I still, even now, am not sure that I should send. I still don't feel right intruding on something that you feel is what you want. I want you to be happy, but I want to be able to live with myself.  
  
I suppose it would work better if I just said it. I even procrastinate on paper, but I suppose that I can find solace in the fact that by the time that you read this I will be gone, I have to move on now that you have. I loved you Harm, more than anyone. I still love you, so much that every time I think about it my heart seizes and my breath catches. My eyes water up, my chest tightens, and I once again have to pound my fist against the wall in frustration wondering why I never said it. Three words, three stupid words, that will haunt me forever.  
  
I guess what bothers me the most is that it's over before it even started. I never got to experience what it was like to be loved by you, really loved. I was always just your friend and now that just doesn't seem like it was enough, that I was somehow missing the most important part, the one thing that, had I known it, might have made all the difference. Instead I am left feeling as though I somehow was cut short, and the what if's won't leave me alone.  
  
I guess all I needed to say was that I love you, more than life itself, more than anything. I would have done anything for you, but instead of fighting for you I let you go, and I have to live with that for the rest of my life, and I hope that you can live with it as well. I love you Harm, and I suppose I always will, but I lost my chance and now I have to move on.  
  
Love always, Mac 


End file.
